WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— In an endeavor to adapt her dad's reëlection crusade, an enthusiastic Ivanka Trump utilized her R.N.C. discourse to uncover to the American public, "I can't go anyplace else."
"The previous scarcely any years have been very harsh for me, since the time my shoe organization went south," she trusted. "I thought the shoes were lovely, and I was truly amazed when nobody needed to wear them. They're all away at Mar-a-lago, and we can't part with them."
Talking movingly of her dad, Trump stated, "He gave me an occupation when nobody else on the planet would."
Explaining her dad's kindness, she included, "And, while we're regarding the matter of employments, do you genuinely believe that any other person on the planet would enlist Jared as a senior counselor? No chance."
Topping her passionate pitch, Trump stated, "I am beseeching you, my individual Americans, to please give Jared and me four additional years to get our poop made sense of. From that point onward, we swear we'll move out and search for genuine occupations."